My feet are weary from walking aimlessy about the city in the rain. Even a city this ghetto, sleeps now and again. The air is still and the streets are silent, except the sound of torrential downpour.
I find myself sitting down under the awning of KFC, and I watch as ghosts of you and me walk down this same street.
I remember we had nowhere to lie down
Since we both know you would never sleep
On the cold hard ground.
It was that night we made the decision to leave
When it sank in deep
We were all we really had,
Just you and me.
Here I am now,
Back in the industrial side of the city
Just the echoes of you and me
And the sound of the rain to keep me company. You told me that life goes on,
Made me swear I could be strong.
But I’ve lost within me the sound of my song.
You were the music within me
The rhythm that guided my two feet
The sound of the drum
That made my heart beat
Thump thump thump thump thump….
All I hear is the silence, the quiet in the
Night is deafening.
Inside of my own body I am suffocating and
I don’t know if I
Can be the one I desperately need to save me.
When you’re autistic
Even high functioning…
On things, on places
On people and patterns and routines.
What happens when what you get stuck on
You literally cannot breathe,
Visiion starts to blur, without you I cannot see a future.
And my heart
My emotions tend to operate
Like the flick
Of a blade
Or a switch.
But I cannot not turn them off of YOU.
Sometimes I wish I could,
But then I remember how when I was with you it was good when it was great.
Were my SAFE place
My calm and silence
In a world that is often too loud
Too busy, to bright
Too dizzying too over simulating.
I was afraid of practically everything
And you were my brave face.
I tried to put on a facade to save face.
But I can no longer pretend
Like my autism
Doesn’t run me
Like I ran to you,
Like you ran from me.
You were the key that unlocked the shackles that bound me
And set me free.
And here I am alone in my cell again.