Posted in Without Him

My brave face

My feet are weary from walking aimlessy about the city in the rain. Even a city this ghetto, sleeps now and again. The air is still and the streets are silent, except the sound of torrential downpour.
I find myself sitting down under the awning of KFC, and I watch as ghosts of you and me walk down this same street.
I remember we had nowhere to lie down
Since we both know you would never sleep
On the cold hard ground.
It was that night we made the decision to leave
When it sank in deep
We were all we really had,
Just you and me.

Here I am now,
Back in the industrial side of the city
Just the echoes of you and me
And the sound of the rain to keep me company. You told me that life goes on,
Made me swear I could be strong.
But I’ve lost within me the sound of my song.

You were the music within me
The rhythm that guided my two feet
The sound of the drum
That made my heart beat
Thump
Thump thump
Thump thump thump thump thump….

Now
All I hear is the silence, the quiet in the
Night is deafening.
Inside of my own body I am suffocating and
I don’t know if I
Can be the one I desperately need to save me.

When you’re autistic
Even high functioning…
You get
stuck.
On things, on places
On people and patterns and routines.
What happens when what you get stuck on
Just LEAVES?
You literally cannot breathe,
Visiion starts to blur, without you I cannot see a future.
And my heart
HURTS.

My emotions tend to operate
Like the flick
Of a blade
Or a switch.
Offonoffonoffon
But I cannot not turn them off of YOU.

Sometimes I wish I could,
But then I remember how when I was with you it was good when it was great.
You
Were my SAFE place
My calm and silence
In a world that is often too loud
Too busy, to bright
Too dizzying too over simulating.

I was afraid of practically everything
And you were my brave face.
I tried to put on a facade to save face.
But I can no longer pretend
Like my autism
Doesn’t run me
Like I ran to you,
Like you ran from me.
You were the key that unlocked the shackles that bound me
And set me free.
And here I am alone in my cell again.

Posted in Uncategorized

The bridge to Terabithia

There has always been this chasm

between me
and the rest of the whole world’s population.
I spent my whole life
being social
while feeling the gnawing pains of lonliness
of my internal
isolation.

Even, in a room of outsiders like myself,
I still felt  as if  was on the outside
looking through broken glass panes-
not your usual growing pains.

All I knew was having friends and being lonely
was a special type
of hellish strange.

I grew to accept my place
on the outskirts of this strange society,
developed a strong sense of pride,
walked through my lonliness gracefully;
I learned to take it all in stride.

Even so my soul,
longed to fill that          aching hole.
As humans we are so fragile and fallible.

BEFORE you sauntered into
my life.. BEFORE you came and found me…
I believed this world was not my home.
I thought,
“I belong to a different galaxy.”

      Love, I was not looking for,
I had no intention of letting anyone in.
You, with your cocksure grin,
believed you were easily swaying me,
so I did my damnedest to make it challenging.

But

when we finally
made two hearts beat
as one…
Everything
I thought I was,
all the pieces I had carefully stitched together
quickly became undone.

The magnetism was unlike anything
I’d ever known to be real.
I had so painstakingly
numbed out life.

Suddenly.

                ALL I could do
was
                                                   feel.

You
and
I.
Stars chasing            dancing                      of lightning
and                    like bolts                           in the sky.

The walls of this world
So vast and WIDE
moved surely towards us,
and Suddenly I was on the INSIDE.
You and me,
looking together at the world of outsiders.

You,
with your eyes so blue,
they’ve inspired many a song,
made the poster child of lonliness
feel like I belong.

Not all who wander are lost.
Weary was my drifter’s soul,
and the price I was paying….
terribly high, the cost.

I found home in your
strong and gentle arms.
Your heart intuitively
knew how to heal my wounds and scars.
My lyrics had no music,
but you painted my rhythm in the stars.

I
never
believed
a love like this,
was something outside a film,
could even exist.

My heart had once been destroyed,
it was never quite the same,
I kept everyone at arm’s length,
determined to never be that broken again.

You built a bridge
to cross that grand canyon,
together we built our own world,
it’s more beautiful than I could have
ever begun to imagine.

I found redemption in your embrace,
I found myself
and I found safety.
You liberated me from my mind’s prison,
and I am FINALLY free.

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Daddy

I always tell him he’s my hero.
He shakes his head telling me not to put him on a pedestal.
“I’m not even close to perfect. I’ve done a lot of bad in my life.”
I know I don’t know anything
About the man he used to be.
But one thing of which I’m certain,
My Daddy has become someone quite amazing.
He is slow to judge and quick to forgive.
He has always had just the right advice to give.
My voice of reason, my concions, the one who talks me off the ledge when I am two feet from the grave.
My dad doesn’t even realize, how many times he’s saved my life.
He is the reason I have learned to reign myself in.
When I’m letting my demons or my fears win- about the maddness inside I can be totally open.
He knows me most days better than myself.
He has helped me sort out facts vs how something made me felt.

The man that I am honored to call my Daddy,
has given me the world and all I need to succeed.
The only thing I want now is just to make him be proud of the woman I am carving out of the mess.
I want him to see what it looks like when I gave life my best and am cloaked with success.
I wouldn’t mind a standing Sunday dinner or to someday shortly have him walk me down the aisle to a man he believes is a winner.

The biggest thing is just quality time.
Maybe record all the lectures and advice
So I can impart his wisdom to my own bretheren.

I can never tell you enough Daddy.
How much your fatherly love has meant to me.
Your unconditional love, firm and tough but beyond accepting.
A man that loves me like that is what I’m expecting when it’s time to remarry.
A man you’d be proud to give me away to.
A man who gets permission from you.
I can’t wait to dance to Butterfly Kisses.
I hope to make you proud and fulfil your dreams and wishes for what you imagined for me.
I love you to infinity.
Thanks for being my hero, now and forever.
For all you’ve done above and beyond a father’s love.

Posted in Late Night, Mental Health, Without Him

Elusive slumber

Ever since I can recall,

I have been a child of the night.

Sleep has never came too easily,

Rarely without valiant fight.

Call me an insufferable and incorrigible insomiac.

When it comes to dreaming, it seems the odds against me are forever stacked.

And when I do manage to catch a wink,

My dreams are made to drive me to the brimk,

Of Insanity.

I seem to be jipped out of what is given so easily to the rest of humanity.

The ability to subconsciously process events or escape from reality.

This lack of slumber often takes the Mick out of me,

Although I try my hardest to put on a good face and my best foot in front of the other.

I have been sick all these years and chronic pain with no sleep means I don’t get to recover.

There is no rejuvination for those of us that cannot seem to find peaceful slumber.

The only time I had dreams so sweet,

Was when he was next to me when I fell asleep. Oh the beauty I beheld behind my closed eyes when he was near.

But ever since he left it seems that beautiful dreams have decided to permenantly disappear.

Now the rare nights I sleep my dreams seem to be filled with terror and fear.

Oh how I long for his presence once more, how I wish he would just walk through the door and we could rewind and go back to before.

When dreams were filled with cotton candy skies of pink and blue, and the world was our oyester we could be or do anything we wanted to.

Posted in Uncategorized

Predictions

I have sneaking suspicions, call them premonitions, about some of your decisions.

There are two paths that you could take, and I sure hope for everyone’s sake that you choose correctly. Do not misdirect me or understimate me, it would be a grave mistake. I’ve already seen it happen, the feelings that should surface I would be lacking. Better believe I’ll set Victoria free. And you thought Ellie was fucking crazy.

If you choose what I believe to be true, the decision that resonates as you, then you are everything I knew. You and I will be like the Good version of Bonnie and Clyde.

I know that you’re angry, how do you think that I feel? I questioned so love if what you felt was ever real. I know now that you love me as much as I, you.

Posted in Uncategorized

Phoenix

There is no pause, no rewind in life. When you fall apart you don’t get to push that button so you can take the time to carefully sort and reassemble the pieces of yourself.

You have to scramble instead. Because while you are melting down, your world is burning to ashes too. It’s up to you to put out the flames, or feed them if the only things you have are gasoline or a fan.

And it took me a year to break free from my daze, only to realize in horror, it had been 300 days I threw down the drain. Because I couldn’t figure out a way, to process or heal from the pain. Or feel it and reign it in.

My world has tilted on it’s axis. I wonder what in this year, I could have accomplished. All of the growing of my children I have missed. How many of my loved ones are hurt and pissed.

I tried to figure it out, why I was so broken. Why I was grasping for straws in the dark, praying and hoping that I didn’t make more of a mess. But as always I dug a deeper hole, and burried myself. So today I put down the shovel.

I can not continue to let my regrets consume me, although that’s said over done more easily. I struggle every day to remind myself that I at least did it the right way if I was going to throw in the towel and run amok. My kids were safe, not drug into my muck.

But even now, I have a hard time finding hope or something to grab onto and run with. I find it hard to spit out the bitter taste of regret. I still can’t float like I used to. My soul feels like a lead balloon.

I keep blindly wandering around this maze, Wonder if I will ever stop circling the drain. I’m so weary I just want to lay my head down and rest. But I know I would never be able to move on because I haven’t yet given life my best.

I set my whole world on fire and watched the flames eat everything I built by myself. I was so proud of doing it without relying on help. But I know now why it had to burn. To lose, to grieve, to hurt was a difficult lesson I had to learn. And like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, I spring renewed to a glorious possibly of the powerful woman that deep down is me

Posted in Uncategorized

Pride and fear

Everyone has their own personal deadly sin. And for me procrastination and pride are tied for the win.

Too proud to continue seeking help when I’ve been ridiculed. Too proud to risk being labeled an attention whore, hypochondriac, faker, to insist the proper tests for what I know is wrong. For what anyone who knows how to do basic research would know is wrong.

Procrastinating settling down with roots to get the help I need. To spend time with those I love.

But the worst- too proud to admit my fears, to let anyone see or know the truth. So proud I have walked through and will walk through this hell alone. Because I cannot let them see how terrified I really am. They need me to be strong. I have to be strong.